The path of least resistance
Does such a path exist - a path of least resistance? If so, some one, please inform my son and direct him to it! My son is 4 now and I have been tearing my hair out over his socialisation for years. He is very shy and extremely resistance to ANYTHING and EVERYTHING new. He is contradictory and befuddling. I don't know if I am coming or am I going half the time.
Take soccer, for instance. When we lived in our friend Bruce's house, Alex would watch the two brothers who lived there, play soccer in the backyard. It inspired something in him, and he wanted so much to play soccer. We registered him into a tots soccer skills group for the fall season, and he seemed to really like it. The next spring we registered him again...hated it. Refused to participate, cried, whinge, moaned, groaned - it was a struggle to say the least, very unenjoyable for us as parents, and we were relieved when the group came to an end, although he wouldn't or couldn't give us a reason why he suddenly disliked soccer. Then we wanted him to try out some different sports to see what he might like. There was an "all-sports" group for 3-5 year olds, which gave the kids a taste of floor hockey, basketball and soccer. He resisted each one.
It appeared that he just could not comprehend the idea of a team sport, since he cried and chucked a wobbly when his own team player would take take the ball from him and score a goal, with which he would declare that he wasn't playing anymore. All He wanted to do was kick the ball as hard as he could and as far as he could. Clearly team sports were not right for him just yet.
In fact, he seemed more interested in the swimming pool outside the soccer hall than the soccer and asked if he could do swimming lessons.
I enquired and since he was 4, he had to take lessons by himself, without a parent in the water with him. Well, he wasn't sure about that, he only wanted to do it if I was there too. "Well you can't take swimming lessons then", I abruptly concluded. He was adamant that he wanted to do swimming lessons and so conceded that his want to do swimming was greater than his need for me to be there. So after 2 months of discussion and "are you sure", he excitedly entered lessons. I reassured him as to where I would be sitting and that I would be watching him from my seat. He seemed fine, we even bought bathers for the occasion.
I left him with the instructor and the three others in his group and went to take my place on the other side of window. I had barely sat down, when I saw the instructor handing out toys to play with in the pool. The woman put a soldiers helmet on Alex's head - oh no, she touched him - personal space has been invaded! I can see he starts to panic - he pulls off the helmet and chucks it aside. She motions for him to select the thing he wants, he grabs a killer whale toy, but the tightening in his chest is obvious to me... he is having trouble holding it together.
The instructor climbs into the pool, reclines back in the water and encourages the kids to join her - it is the toddler pool and in not at all deep. A little girl loses it and refuses to enter the water, just as Alex attempts to gather all his courage to go it alone. But the sight of her twisted sad face is too much and the dam wall breaks - she was ALL OVER, RED ROVER. Alex begins to wail as the little girls Grandma takes her out of the water - she had been standing by. The instructor tries to entice Alex in, but he resists and his face has panic written all over it. I think I waited two minutes tops (it seemed a long time, but it was probably more like 40 seconds) before I conceded that swimming lessons just weren't going to happen. I had Olivia with me, so we wandered out, Alex is in a state close to hyperventilation and traumatised. I felt like an ogre. Luckily the woman behind the desk gave my money back....this has obviously happened before.
Alex will go to the pool and actually loves it, but I have to be there. He refuses to go it alone.
I am telling you all this because I had a minor windfall today - I say minor because just like the weather, you can't really be 100% sure what conditions you are going to be confronted with, a week out from the day in question.
Alex and Olivia have been bored, bored, bored, bored at home. And while every kid in Alex's pre-school class is out using his energy, getting involved in things and learning new skills, my children hover inside too afraid to try anything new; Alex violently resist every golden opportunity place under his nose - the antics have to be seen to be believed.
Alex is a very strong boy, very muscular for his age and quite a quick sprinter. I make him ride his bike for miles, while I get my exercise walking the dogs and pushing the stroller.
Gymnastics has appealed to me as a sport for both of them for a while. One: I like it, Two: it is indoors so it is a good all weather thing to do, Three; the two of them can do it at the same time (that is rarely possible), Four: individual performance based sport rather than team based (I have mentioned the reasons about that already), Five: high energy and strength based, something I believed Alex might do well at.
I rang the local gymnastics club last week to see if they had any "come try" deals, since a program was going to be quite costly and I didn't want to waste all that money if Alex was going to hate it and kick up a stink- they had a no commitment drop in group. GREAT! $5 a session. Cool!
Alex refused to go, told me he wasn't going to do it, wasn't going to try it, wouldn't have fun there if I dragged him there and definitely would "NOT LIKE IT". Olivia could care less whether she went or not, she really wants to do swimming (which starts in two weeks and is parent participation for her group). Alex on the other hand was dragged kicking and screaming to the gym. He pleaded with me not to leave him there alone. "I will be right there Alex, it is a parent participation group". Then the coin predictably flips over "I don't want you to watch me" he says. "Ok I won't" I reply. "Don't leave me" he cries. It is like nut-ball tennis or something, where opposing scenarios are patted over the net like hot potatoes that can not be dropped. I give up!
I told him he was going and that was final; that I was sick of his behaviour and that I hated that his resistance to anything new was hindering his potential to learn and experience.
When the first group finished Alex and Olivia were the first on the sprung floor. Alex got such a kick out the floor alone he sped off running around in circles giggling. Olivia climbed over all sorts of stuff...and then they found the enormous foam block pit. They both jumped into it from a great height and struggled their way to the edge in fits of laughter. Then a trampoline was spied and they made a bee-line for that - then a Tarzan rope that hung over the foam pit on the other side, then the balance beams, and a sandwich of thick foam mats and so much other cool stuff. The kid across the road turned up and Alex played with him and his friend, while I was able to fully concentrate on Olivia who was having a ball. At the end of the 45 minute session. Alex, red faced and dripping in sweat complained that the time went by too quickly.
"So was it fun?" I asked them both. Olivia nodded enthusiastically, while Alex asked if there was gymnastics tomorrow. When I informed him that he could come again next week, he said "ok". He told me that he thought "it would be scary"....then he told me that he "had a great time".
There is hope after all.
Take soccer, for instance. When we lived in our friend Bruce's house, Alex would watch the two brothers who lived there, play soccer in the backyard. It inspired something in him, and he wanted so much to play soccer. We registered him into a tots soccer skills group for the fall season, and he seemed to really like it. The next spring we registered him again...hated it. Refused to participate, cried, whinge, moaned, groaned - it was a struggle to say the least, very unenjoyable for us as parents, and we were relieved when the group came to an end, although he wouldn't or couldn't give us a reason why he suddenly disliked soccer. Then we wanted him to try out some different sports to see what he might like. There was an "all-sports" group for 3-5 year olds, which gave the kids a taste of floor hockey, basketball and soccer. He resisted each one.
It appeared that he just could not comprehend the idea of a team sport, since he cried and chucked a wobbly when his own team player would take take the ball from him and score a goal, with which he would declare that he wasn't playing anymore. All He wanted to do was kick the ball as hard as he could and as far as he could. Clearly team sports were not right for him just yet.
In fact, he seemed more interested in the swimming pool outside the soccer hall than the soccer and asked if he could do swimming lessons.
I enquired and since he was 4, he had to take lessons by himself, without a parent in the water with him. Well, he wasn't sure about that, he only wanted to do it if I was there too. "Well you can't take swimming lessons then", I abruptly concluded. He was adamant that he wanted to do swimming lessons and so conceded that his want to do swimming was greater than his need for me to be there. So after 2 months of discussion and "are you sure", he excitedly entered lessons. I reassured him as to where I would be sitting and that I would be watching him from my seat. He seemed fine, we even bought bathers for the occasion.
I left him with the instructor and the three others in his group and went to take my place on the other side of window. I had barely sat down, when I saw the instructor handing out toys to play with in the pool. The woman put a soldiers helmet on Alex's head - oh no, she touched him - personal space has been invaded! I can see he starts to panic - he pulls off the helmet and chucks it aside. She motions for him to select the thing he wants, he grabs a killer whale toy, but the tightening in his chest is obvious to me... he is having trouble holding it together.
The instructor climbs into the pool, reclines back in the water and encourages the kids to join her - it is the toddler pool and in not at all deep. A little girl loses it and refuses to enter the water, just as Alex attempts to gather all his courage to go it alone. But the sight of her twisted sad face is too much and the dam wall breaks - she was ALL OVER, RED ROVER. Alex begins to wail as the little girls Grandma takes her out of the water - she had been standing by. The instructor tries to entice Alex in, but he resists and his face has panic written all over it. I think I waited two minutes tops (it seemed a long time, but it was probably more like 40 seconds) before I conceded that swimming lessons just weren't going to happen. I had Olivia with me, so we wandered out, Alex is in a state close to hyperventilation and traumatised. I felt like an ogre. Luckily the woman behind the desk gave my money back....this has obviously happened before.
Alex will go to the pool and actually loves it, but I have to be there. He refuses to go it alone.
I am telling you all this because I had a minor windfall today - I say minor because just like the weather, you can't really be 100% sure what conditions you are going to be confronted with, a week out from the day in question.
Alex and Olivia have been bored, bored, bored, bored at home. And while every kid in Alex's pre-school class is out using his energy, getting involved in things and learning new skills, my children hover inside too afraid to try anything new; Alex violently resist every golden opportunity place under his nose - the antics have to be seen to be believed.
Alex is a very strong boy, very muscular for his age and quite a quick sprinter. I make him ride his bike for miles, while I get my exercise walking the dogs and pushing the stroller.
Gymnastics has appealed to me as a sport for both of them for a while. One: I like it, Two: it is indoors so it is a good all weather thing to do, Three; the two of them can do it at the same time (that is rarely possible), Four: individual performance based sport rather than team based (I have mentioned the reasons about that already), Five: high energy and strength based, something I believed Alex might do well at.
I rang the local gymnastics club last week to see if they had any "come try" deals, since a program was going to be quite costly and I didn't want to waste all that money if Alex was going to hate it and kick up a stink- they had a no commitment drop in group. GREAT! $5 a session. Cool!
Alex refused to go, told me he wasn't going to do it, wasn't going to try it, wouldn't have fun there if I dragged him there and definitely would "NOT LIKE IT". Olivia could care less whether she went or not, she really wants to do swimming (which starts in two weeks and is parent participation for her group). Alex on the other hand was dragged kicking and screaming to the gym. He pleaded with me not to leave him there alone. "I will be right there Alex, it is a parent participation group". Then the coin predictably flips over "I don't want you to watch me" he says. "Ok I won't" I reply. "Don't leave me" he cries. It is like nut-ball tennis or something, where opposing scenarios are patted over the net like hot potatoes that can not be dropped. I give up!
I told him he was going and that was final; that I was sick of his behaviour and that I hated that his resistance to anything new was hindering his potential to learn and experience.
When the first group finished Alex and Olivia were the first on the sprung floor. Alex got such a kick out the floor alone he sped off running around in circles giggling. Olivia climbed over all sorts of stuff...and then they found the enormous foam block pit. They both jumped into it from a great height and struggled their way to the edge in fits of laughter. Then a trampoline was spied and they made a bee-line for that - then a Tarzan rope that hung over the foam pit on the other side, then the balance beams, and a sandwich of thick foam mats and so much other cool stuff. The kid across the road turned up and Alex played with him and his friend, while I was able to fully concentrate on Olivia who was having a ball. At the end of the 45 minute session. Alex, red faced and dripping in sweat complained that the time went by too quickly.
"So was it fun?" I asked them both. Olivia nodded enthusiastically, while Alex asked if there was gymnastics tomorrow. When I informed him that he could come again next week, he said "ok". He told me that he thought "it would be scary"....then he told me that he "had a great time".
There is hope after all.
posted by strauss @ 6:46 PM
3 comments
3 Comments:
All I can say is, I truly admire your patience with your children. Not having had any (other than two teenage stepsons....a WHOLE different story!), I'm beginning to realize how much work it is doing it right. Bravo, Mum!
Thank you so much Kathleen. I only WISH I was so patient. I stuggle with the old patience most of the time. It truly is a test for me.
You should write articles for a magazine or newspaper. Your stories would certainly help other moms to know they weren't going crazy. You are very patient. LK
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