Talking...the necessary evil

Yes, we do NEED to talk. We were made that way.... damn it!
I joined Toastmasters about a year ago, because I am possibly the worst public speaker IN THE WORLD. I don't like toastmasters very much; nothing against the establishment, its just....well, we have to make all those darn speeches!
In all seriousness though, I have to drag my sorry butt to those meetings every single time. When in attendence, I do try to embrace each meeting as an opportunity to grow and develop the skills I need, in order to overcome my debilitating problem - not that I have felt there has been ANY improvement whatsoever. So why do I bother? What MAKES me return, meeting after crushing meeting? Well, there is that strong motivation to start sounding less like a blithering idiot and more like the half intelligent human being I know to be hiding within- SOMEWHERE (probably behind a vital organ, although I did look there once).
Actually, my "Fellow Toastmasters" are a lovely bunch; very caring in their critical evaluations and offers of encouragement. It really is the safest environment for a verbal dope like me to practice in.
I did feel a little disheartened last night at the meeting, however. During the break, a guy who had just delivered a masterpiece of thought, wit and controversy, boasted that he had only prepared his speech that day and hadn't had time to practice; this was his excuse for running out of time.
I take weeks to prepare my speeches, and they are still stilted yawn-fests, filled with moments of stalled brain paralysis and such pronounced tongue tying that I would get a patch for that, if I were in the boy scouts. But I persist, hoping that experience will enlighten me one day - fortune favours the brave, after all.
I did have a scary thought last night after the meeting, that perhaps I might never get that phone book over the head moment that will see me morph into an eloquent verbal butterfly; enchanting my listeners with flutterings of wordy brillance to match my charismatic stage presence (HA!). I wasn't being pessemistic though, nor was I giving up. I merely considered thinking about it less from the perspective of what I could give to make my speeches a more enjoyable experience for the audience (quite a burdensome task when you think about it) and more about what I could take from the audience.
My Fellow Toastmasters are there to offer support; they want to see me succeed, not floundering like the proverbial fish out of water. They want to hear what I have to say. Why join a speech making club otherwise? They are compassionate, because they have been in the same nervous position as me. Even if it were years before, they can still remember that first day when they stopped, closed their eyes for a moment, and took a deep breath before taking that no going back first step into a Toastmasters club.
So next time I prepare and give a speech, I will try my darnedest to take all of that - all their hopes that I do well; all of their encouragement and support; their interest and also their compassion. Armed with all of this, I will attempt to open myself to the full experience of verbal expression, and see if magic happens. I will let you know how it goes.