Guilty

Ashley and I have had one evening alone together since Alex was born - 4 years ago. It was a gift for my birthday 2004, when some friends, who had just come home from the UK after several years away, offered to baby-sit for us. Of course, we spent the entire meal focused on the kids, and worrying about how our friends were coping, even though we made sure both kids were fast asleep before we left.
No longer do we have the possibility of roping in friends and family for baby-sitting favours; and so, we have spent no real quality time alone since.
Recently we have talked about our need to spend more time alone as a couple, and made the decision to recruit a baby sitter. So armed with the name and number of a highly recommended person, given to us from a very reliable and trustworthy source - why can't a call this person?
I have reached for the phone numerous times only to reel my hand back in horror, stomach full of anxiety, as if I had just discovered that the phone was infested with some kind of lethal, flesh eating bacteria. I just can't do it. I want to do it.... But I can't. We even have a swathe of possibilities for where we might like to go while our "first date". We want to get the kids used to someone good before September 21st, when we hope to go out for the evening to celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary. But at this rate, it looks like it is going to be an intimate evening for four at Burger King.
I will be so disappointed with myself if I don't get this baby sitting monkey off my back before the anniversary. So why can't I take the plunge and just talk with the woman, and see if she suits our family? I don't have to make a commitment straight away....right?
Its not just me, I haven't exactly seen Ashley beating a path to the phone to get this baby-sitting show on the road - we are paralyzed.... in a rut.... afraid that the evening will be a disaster never to be repeated due to traumatized kids. Could I ever forgive myself if something terrible happened and I wasn't there...... probably. I know that avoidance isn't going to make it any better. And I know you think the magnitude of my gut churning misery over this issue is over-the-top, ridiculous, even outrageous. People get baby sitters ALL the time, for Gods sake!!!!!
I have intellectualised this till the cows have come home; talked it through in my head; given myself pep-talk over pep-talk, and I still....I can't bring myself to do it. Its like I am letting my kids down, being irresponsible and am being disloyal to my kids if I let myself feel overjoyed by the thought of time out from the parent role. I think I have a bad, bad, bad case of separation anxiety, and I am NOT proud of it.