Tight Grip

I have always held my pen or pencil like it might try to escape from my hand.

So hard and firm is my grip that I literally develop a cramp if I write for too long; such as when I am writing a personal letter to a friend.

Not only is my grip firm, but I also tend to press the writing implement really hard into the page, as if I were trying to make certain that I made an impression, like I sub-consciously feared that my thoughts and words might evaporate or fly away if I didn't secure them tightly enough to the page.

I have a callous on the index finger of my right hand. It has been there forever; more evidence of a too firm grip. I have noticed, when I write, that the tip of my finger is usually white - white from the intense pressure I am applying.

I am mindfully trying not to squeeze the life from the pen I hold. Now-days, I attempt to dance across the page with my pen or pencil, considering it a babe in arms, rather than a knife welding intruder that I must overcome in order to protect myself.

It is hard...old habits die hard.

I constantly have to remind myself to release my grip...relax...allow the words to flow and glide.Consequently, my writing is not neat. It is legible, but a spidery scrawl of words creeping across the page like a twisted vine, when normally my writing has loomed like a line of dark glum soldiers standing to attention; their boots are shiny, gloves starched, each letter erect, disciplined, obedient....but my well formed words lack character and energy, they have had too many stiffling years behind them.

It is a control thing I think, but this strangle hold takes so much energy, and yet it has yielded so few gains.